i'll file this under: "and that's ok, too"

i admire my girlfriends who are always composed and civil with their husbands. even when these husbands say or do some pretty outrageous things.

composed.
civil.
calm.

at all times.

that is so not me.

i have a threshold that my husband can and has met every now and then, and in those moments i am anything but composed, civil or calm. in those moments i am raw and intense and completely exposed.

in those moments i don't hold back. i leave it all on the field.

i've never been proud of this. in trying to model my more mature girlfriends i've employed a variety of techniques that, while maybe providing extra strength for managing a whiny troop of children, has yet to impact my response to an impossibly thick-headed and stubborn husband.

last night vern and i watched 'the hangover'. after the kids were in bed. wrapped up and relaxed into each other on the couch. giggling. not 24 hours earlier i was practically levitating from the anger and hurt and frustration billowing inside me and spilling out.

i considered then what a gift i have been given in a stubborn and thick-headed husband like vern. one who refuses to see in such raw, intense, and fully-exposed emotion anything other than his lovely, committed and passionate wife. having a very bad day.

and while it pains him to see her like that, it never changes how he sees her.

he always tells me as much, but i finally got it there on the couch.

i might feel horrible and ashamed for my overreactions, cursing myself for failing again to keep my head and be a more perfected wife.

but.

he doesn't. he loves me the same as always. he loves me where ever i am at on my growth curve.

the safety i have in my husband is freeing.

even as i'm out-of-my-skull mad with him.

vern brought me flowers with his apology for pushing that final button of mine, the one that catapulted me over the edge of cool, the one that only he can access. he has never brought home flowers in apology in our 12 years together before - so there is hope for us. for him. for me, and the possibility that one day i'll evolve into the noble wise of my girlfriends.

until then i've decided not to be so ashamed. even as i try to tame it, my slow progress in doing so has allowed my most glaring character flaw to cast light on the fact that i don't have to be civil, calm or composed at all times to be deserving of my husband's love, devotion and after-hours on the couch.

were i a perfect wife from the start, i never would have known that. i would have sold vern's love short thinking it hinged somehow on my perfectness. or at least my upper-tiered goodness. perfect would mean i could make lisa's toasted cashew salad and have it taste even somewhat like lisa's. i can't.