me, too

maddy's first words were 'baby' and 'abby'. her first sentences were in fact her name said over and over and over again in varied inflection. eager for lunch, arguing with her brothers, cuddling. she was only ever saying her name on unending replay but what we heard was "feed me first!" and "caleb. back. off." and "i love you so much."

her first sentence containing two distinct and separate words was 'thank you'. she said it with such deep, genuine emotion that it would knock me back in wonder for how gracious a thank you could be. as if i'd never really heard a 'thank you' before. standing naked beside the toilet. she would throw her arms around me with such unrestrained joy that i had helped her pull down her panties to go pee. "oh, thank you, mommy!" taking the crust off her bread. finding her shoes.

when we told her "i love you, maddy" she would say in a soft demure chime "thank you."

it is the sweetest response i've ever heard to those three little words.

i taught her then how much i loved her. in maddy's language, "big much".

and then may came and one day i said, "i love you, maddy."

and she said, "no you not wuz me. i peed in my's pants. i hit nincoln. i not eat mines carrots. you not wuz me."

i could translate it to proper english, but then it wouldn't sound like maddy. she has the hardest time saying 'love'. it comes out 'wuz'. and since then i have been given at least three reasons i don't really love my baby girl each time i tell her i do.

i remind her i always love her, no matter what. and how much do i love her? from that very first day in may she has now said, pinching her thumb and first finger together, "tiiiiny bit."*

sometimes i ache for her innocent and free toddlerdom so quickly slipping away.

sometimes i get cold sweats fearing what is in store for us when she hits her tweens and discovers fully the great power of manipulation.

sometimes i wonder how much i sound like maddy in my prayer and response to His unconditional love.

i'm not really deserving Your love. i was an arrogant, crappy, nasty mom today. i was lazy. i totally neglected my husband. and my mom.

memememememememe.

amen.

sometimes i practice feeling a thank you, Lord, as much as my two year old daughter does.